Let go, Find Peace

Our pool has a saltwater system so it needs salt added every once in a while. In this photo, Will and Michael are helping Dave. They loved to help us with chores when they were younger and I know how lucky we are that Dave is such an involved and loving parent. Of course, Dave and I do things differently and sometimes I want to jump in…but I try not to, because their relationship is their own. I can’t always be there so it is good that they have a way that works for them. It is a learning experience for Michael to be around many people who approach things differently. Mikey learns to be flexible, to adapt and to respond to the person he is with. A pretty important life skill, I’d say.

Primary caregivers, mom or dad or grandparent: I am going to take this opportunity to remind you in a loving, yet firm way.  You are not ‘in charge’ of every relationship your child has. Start practicing with your spouse. In our family, I was the stay-at-home parent and I have a lot more day-to-day, hands-on experience with Michael (is this the world record for number of hyphens in one sentence?). When you are the parent in that role, it can be tempting to offer advice to your spouse on how to interact with your child. Try, try, try to refrain from doing this.  

Here’s why:

1. It is good for your child to learn to interact with different people who behave in different ways.
2. As hard as we work to come up with great ideas that work for our children, sometimes there are other really good ways to get things done.
3. As parents, we fall in love with each other and with our children. It is very difficult to stay in love when someone is nit-picking everything you do.
4. This one is the most important so listen closely.  You want help raising your child.  I’d go so far as to say, we NEED help raising our children. Encourage other people to get in there and love that child up! Your child will grow and learn from other people and those people will become invested in your child. Start with your spouse and close family, but cast a wide net. Let people in. 

Note: where am I in this picture? Sitting in a lawn chair, my friend. Point made.

But…

But… what if your spouse is doing something that goes against the doctor’s advice or the Behaviorist’s advice or the teacher’s advice?

Certainly, your spouse should be included in these meetings whenever possible. When they need to be at work, make sure you update them on new ideas.  Sometimes we even used to do this by e-mail. I could write it directly following the meeting while everything was still fresh in my mind and Dave could read it when he had a free minute. This strategy helps preserve evenings as couple time so you’re not talking about the kids every second. 

Modeling What Works

The best way to show what works for your child is to interact with them the way you hope others will. If other people see you speaking to your non-verbal child, they will be more likely to speak to them. Set a good example and keep your advice to yourself (until you’ve hoarded so many ideas, you need to start your own blog).