Cast a Wide Net

Does your child care if their friends are their age? Do they care if their friends have special needs or are typical? Does your child care about the race, color or creed of their friends?  Does your child care if their friends’ parents voted for someone you hate?  Probably not.

We often preach inclusion and then we come up with reasons why our kids can’t be friends with “that kid.” I’d strongly caution against this.  Cast a wide net.  Give other kids the benefit of the doubt the way you would hope another parent would give your child a chance.

My One Exception

If one or both of my children felt uncomfortable or unsafe around another child, we talked about their feelings.  If the other child was unable or unwilling  to be respectful of my kids’ boundaries, we stopped including them.  

I did this because I think it is vital for kids to trust their own assessment of who is safe to be around…especially once we have talked about it. Their ability to get themselves out of dangerous situations will depend on them listening to their instincts.  Therefore, it is my opinion that they should not be shamed for judging dangerous or aggressive behavior.  

The Grey Area

So, what if a kid is not aggressive or dangerous, but your child feels uncomfortable around them.  What should you do then? Although it will depend on the issue, you’ll need to talk with your child and maybe with the other child’s parent.

I’ll give you an example.  We had a child in our friend group who behaved quite strangely.  We’re okay with strange.  We get it and we know it isn’t a reason to feel afraid of someone.  This child was invited to our home on multiple occasions. 

What Happened?

On the last time he was here, he kept approaching Will and spitting mouthfuls of chewed crackers at him.  Will tried asking him to stop. He spoke with this boy’s mother. He let me know and I spoke with the mother. She was of the mind that because her son had some challenges (not challenges that would involve him being incapable of keeping his crackers in his mouth) he should not be expected to change this behavior.

It was then my opinion that this child should not be welcome in our home.  He made Will feel uncomfortable, making it impossible for him to enjoy a day with friends in his backyard.  Will used his negotiating skills and enlisted the help of the adults. Since we couldn’t come to an understanding that Will’s (totally normal) need not to have people spit at him is just as important as being inclusive.

What I am saying is: try to include as many kids as possible over time (not all at once) and then if it doesn’t work out, at least you gave everyone a chance. It won’t always work out, but it will work out often.