Avoid Embarrassment

I just chose a silly photo of Sonny in which he looks a bit sheepish for fun, but the point is more serious.  Our kids understand much more than they can express. When you speak about them, in front of them, it can hurt their feelings and make them feel embarrassed. 

One Example from my Childhood

When Trivial Pursuit came out, my dad’s family used to play it all the time. I was the only kid in the family at the time. When I was approximately 8-10 years old (I can’t remember exactly), I wanted to sit with the family while they played after dinner, although I didn’t know any of the answers.  To be involved, I asked if I could read the questions aloud to each team.  My dad agreed.  At the time, it is possible I had heard of the atomic bomb, but I had never heard it referred to as the A-Bomb.  Not understanding, I read the question incorrectly, saying ‘aaaa-bomb,’ and the whole family burst out laughing. I felt humiliated. 

I would love to say that I didn’t let them see me cry, but I probably did.  Looking back on this, I think the adults in the room are the ones who should have felt a bit ashamed (although, let’s be honest…it wasn’t that big of a deal).  There was nothing malicious about it, they just reacted to something they thought was funny…I don’t spend any time with that side of my family anymore (for other, more complicated reasons) …but I did feel embarrassed and it did hurt my feelings.

So, I don’t hold a grudge about something so small, but I do remember the humiliation I felt. More importantly for our purposes, I use experiences like this to remind me how I want to parent my own kids (and what to avoid).

The Big Idea

I think shaming or embarrassing your kids should be avoided at all costs.  Although, I know situations like the one I described above are easily avoidable, our life with special kiddos can make this trickier. People will often ask you about your child with your child standing right there.  They may just be asking about him, but I worry that Michael’s ability to process conversation moves more slowly, so I wouldn’t want him to misunderstand.

When someone asks about Michael when he is standing right there, I try to include him in the conversation, so he knows I am not saying anything bad about him. If needed, I also sometimes resort to asking someone if we could speak about it later.  Then, at that later time, I just explain, “I don’t like to speak about Mikey right in front of him, just in case he might feel embarrassed.”

I’ve never had a bad reaction to this strategy from Mikey or the adults involved.