Affirmative Language

Although I am all for encouragement and complements for kids, what I’m writing about today is more concrete.  Speak in the affirmative, rather than the negative.

The word ‘don’t’ is tricky to understand for some kids.  Imagine yourself listening to someone speaking a foreign language.  Certain words you know and they jump out at you as you listen.  Words that have clear, concrete meanings are easier. You pick up the basic nouns and verbs, but the words that fill in the rest of the sentences may be more confusing. So, when we talk to our kids, positive language works better.

An Example

If a child doesn’t really understand the word ‘don’t’, as they are running by and you yell out ‘don’t run’, their little brains cannot process it properly and the only word they may really understand is ‘run’.  This either comes across as you labelling what they are doing – or – possibly worse, encouraging them to run, but seeming mad about it. 

Instead

I would suggest using the positive form.  Ask them to do exactly what you want them to do. “Walk, please.” 

As much as we love affirmations to make us feel good, affirmative language in this sense just means to say what you want the child to do. Say it clearly and directly. Framing directions and requests in the positive helps your child function more easily in the world. Tell them clearly what you want them to do without using anger or sarcasm. This leaves them free to focus on your words and process what you are asking of them.

It’s a small thing that might make a big difference.